


When the fear of death sets in

by StarSlayersFantasy



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hange is the only sensible one, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-23
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-08-06 00:31:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16377998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarSlayersFantasy/pseuds/StarSlayersFantasy
Summary: When Mikasa is almost killed on an expedition, Levi must realise what it is he's truly afraid of.





	When the fear of death sets in

**Author's Note:**

> I've been putting off writing again for so long, life caught up and I have decided I'm going to keep at writing one-shots until I can recommit to a full story. Also, I'm not so great with remembering military rank, especially as the anime and dubbing can be inconsistent with the ranks so bare with me.

The rain hammered down of the Survey Corps as they regrouped, Erwin stood at the forefront of the band of soldiers, each of them soaked to the bones with blood and rain looking solemn and worn down. Squad captains were making the rounds trying to locate their subordinates that had were lost among the multitude of soldiers.

_What had happened to them?_

_Why hadn't they rendezvoused with the rest of his squad yet?_

Captain Levi sat atop his horse next to the remainder of his squad, while they had fought in the west side vanguard very few of them had fallen to the Titans, after all, Levi had selected them because they were some of the best soldiers the corps had seen in years.

"Captain Levi!" cadet Halman rode up to towards him, "Sir!, Commander Erwin requests your presence at once"

Levi spurred his horse over to Erwin and his unit followed at a distance.

Levi could feel the dread of losing more soldiers creeping into his bones. The mission hadn't been a failure, but it was a bittersweet victory at reclaiming lost territory, He'd already seen three of his comrades who he had hand-picked for this mission be devoured by titans today. Levi was yet to receive an update on the status of the east vanguard, but the news would no doubt be grim. He had placed Lieutenant Mikasa Ackerman in charge of half of his squad and sent her to reinforce the eastern vanguard when they had started to take the brunt of the Titans. He was yet to hear news of any success on Mikasa's side. They had not returned yet, and Levi was beginning to fear the worst. 

 _I should never have let her go there without me._ The thought flickers into Levi's mind with a sinking feeling. 

 

"Levi" Erwin's voice cuts across Levi's thoughts, and he looks up to meet the eyes of his commander. Erwin's jacket blew violently in the wind and rain. _The man looked more haggard than usual_ , Levi thought as he looked towards Erwin.

"Erwin has there been an update on the eastern van? Half my squad was with them" Levi halts his horse next to the commander.

"Just mixed reports from stragglers, there seems little hope in recovering survivors, we have too many wounded to take care of here to send a rescue party."

"Sir, my squad, is still able to fight, let us ride out and gain a definitive answer, I won't leave my team to die out there if there is any chance of recovery still." Levi is not one to plead or sound emotional, but a tone in his voice has a desperate edge to it, and Erwin's brow raises ever so slightly.

"Alright Levi, take the remainder of your squad that is still able to fight and circle back for those who got cut off from the rest of us. Were leaving once we have prepped our injured, I don't want to linger here any longer than we must, don't take long or we will be forced to go without you." 

Levi nodded his acknowledgement and spun his horse round to face the ten members of his squad that sat atop their horses waiting for a further command. "You all heard the man. Squad move out!" Levi called to them before riding off into the storm to be followed by the thumping of horses, the noise barely audible in the howling wind.

They rode past bodies of soldiers strewn across the ground, skeletal remains of titans surrounding their own. Levi spurred his horse towards the site in which the eastern vanguard had held up. The location was a small forest, most of the trees uprooted from titan activity, the ground was thick with mud and bodies lay spread out among the trees.

"Split up into two's find our comrades that have survived!" Levi called out to his squad "Find who you can and rendezvous back here, if I'm not back in twenty minutes ride back to Erwin without me, don't linger" and he rode off into the carnage on his own.

 _"Ackerman, where the hell are you?"_ he said under his breath, Mikasa had been insistent upon helping the eastern vanguard, and after the years of knowing her, he trusted her gut instinct and when she asked for permission to help the others he didn't hesitate to give it to her.

She had mellowed out from the strong-willed girl that joined the survey corps and acted on impulse and ignored orders all for protecting  _Jaeger_ , into a mature young woman who thought methodically and followed rules, that's not to say she doesn't occasionally disobey an order when she truly believes it's the wrong course of action. She and Levi were often at each other's throats in the beginning, but after serving on his squad for the last couple of years, they had formed a bond, Levi saw her as more than just his subordinate, and to Mikasa, he was more than just her superior.

His mind was pulled from his thoughts when his eyes get a glimpse of red fabric fluttering in a bush. A deep red scarf was caught among the branches the shelter from the trees that had not been ripped up was enough to stop it blowing away in the heavy wind. 

Levi felt his stomach drop at the sight. Just below the scarf, a pair of feet were visibly sticking out from behind the bush next to the base of a tree. Levi spurred his horse towards the scene, a cry of anguish escaped his throat and he slid off his horse. She lay face down in the mud her body sprawled out awkwardly, Levi throws himself down next to her.

"Ackerman!" he reaches for her, he's hesitant to move her so his fingers brush her raven hair away from her neck and he presses down, desperate to find a pulse.

_Thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump._

The slow but steady beat is a glimmer of hope, he cradles her head in one hand, careful to keep it stable and the other goes to her shoulder and begins to pull her over onto her back and into his lap. Her face is caked in a mixture of blood and dirt, a deep gash over her right eyebrow. She's pale and grey, and Levi soon discovers why, a broken part of one of her blades was lodged in her stomach sticking out at an awkward angle, the rest of her ODM gear scattered in broken pieces around them. Levi looked up to the tree in which he sat there holding Mikasa's limp body. Part of the trunk above them was battered and bloody. She must have collided with it during the fight and impaled herself with one of her swords in the process. 

" _Mikasa_ " Levi spoke gently, brushing the damp hair from her face and wiping the blood from her cheek. "I'm going to get you out of here. but first I need to get that blade out of you before I move you."

Levi reached over and grabbed the scarf that was tangled in the bush and started to unbuckle her ODM harness. He spoke to her throughout the process of removing the blade and using the scarf and belts from her harness to apply pressure. He guided her through what he was doing even though she lay unconscious in his arms. He spoke more to keep himself calm than offer reassurance to the limp form of Mikasa Ackerman.

" _Levi_ " Her voice is a whisper that he barely hears among the creaking of the trees and the howling wind. Her eyes catch his for all but a second before she falls back into unconsciousness. 

 

He whispers a breath apology before pulling her into his arms and standing up, a small grunt of pain emitting from her before her head lulls into his chest. He takes her to his horse, unsure of how best to get her up onto the stallion. In the end, he awkwardly places her, so she's hanging either side of the horse her stomach pressed onto the saddle before he jumps up onto the horse himself, he then pulls her up into a sitting position and wraps his left arm around her waist to hold her steady while his right grabs hold of the stallions reigns. He can feel her wound bleeding again as he keeps her waist in his grasp and tries to apply as much pressure as he can while holding her.

"Hyah!" he spurs the horse onwards and for the first time today Levi feels afraid.

 

 

\---------------------------------------

 

 

He doesn't visit her while she's in the intensive care ward of the infirmary. 

Instead, Levi keeps his distance, afraid that if he lets himself get too close to her frail and dying form that he might finally break down.

So he stays away. He lets Jaeger be the one to sit by her bedside.

He lets Alert be the one to read to her.

He lets everyone else surround her with their love for her. All the while too afraid to acknowledge his love for her.

The weeks were slow and show little improvement, and she remains on the precipice of life and death.

\------------------------------------------

**One month previously.**

**Five days before the expedition.**

 

 

 

Levi sat at his desk sifting through paperwork, a candle lighting the parchment up just enough so that he could read through it all, moonlight lit the rest of the room. He had retreated from his office rather late that evening, choosing instead to bring his work to his room, It was mostly a rundown of the elaborate plan Erwin had put together for the expedition in a few days. Once again the commander was playing a big gamble with the lives of his soldiers.

It was nearing one in the morning and as always Levi couldn't sleep so instead he was sat there reading it all over again.

_Knock Knock_

It was the gentle rap on his door that pulled him from his thoughts, and before he could yell at whoever it was to go away and not to disturb him so late at night it opened, and Mikasa stepped inside.

"Ackerman" Levi gave her a questioning look. "I suppose you have a good reason for disturbing me at such an early hour of the morning. You should be sleeping, you're going to need all the sleep you can get before the expedition."

"I could say the same for you, Sir" the edges of her mouth twitched in a slight smile that Levi did not miss. "I couldn't sleep, so I was taking a walk to clear my head, I could see the light in your window from outside" She stood in the doorway leaning on the open door.

"So you thought it would be a good idea to come and knock on my door past midnight?" Levi sat back in his chain pushing the papers away from himself as he looked her up and down. She was in a cream nightgown that reached just below her knees with bare feet and had her red scarf wrapped around her throat as always. Rarely had she ever put it aside, the material curling around her finger as he watched him. Her raven hair fell just above the red fabric and her dark eyes didn't look away from his. 

"Is there ever a good time to knock on your door?" She said cooly, before adding as an afterthought "Sir."

Levi rolled his eyes at the comment "Don't just stand there, Ackerman, you're letting a draft in"

She nodded in response and moved into the room to shut the door behind her and now she stepped towards his desk, the candlelight illuminating her features, and Levi swallowed, his eyes taking in the shape of her body under her gown.

 _She was beautiful, and by god had he noticed it on multiple occasions._  Whenever he saw her his eyes would linger on her form. But Levi was her captain, so he never acted upon the thoughts that would pop up in his mind. He looked away from her, the slight flush of red to his cheeks thankfully not standing out in the dim light. 

"I couldn't sleep," She said once again. "There is a lot on my mind, I'm just worried about the expedition."

She often spoke honestly to Levi, but he could feel the hesitation in her voice. When the two of them had started to work together more closely with Mikasa being assigned to his squad she 

"Maybe I can help alleviate some of those fears, if you want, you can tell me what's on your mind" His question was softly spoken, and he left it to be her choice of what to say after. 

"It's silly really" her voice a higher pitch than usual.

"Mikasa" he was watching her intently, her face conflicted, a red blush beginning to creep up into her cheeks. The gap between them felt so small now. Her hand lingered on his desk as she turned away from him.

"I keep thinking, what if I'm not able to save those I hold closest. The stakes are so much higher than they have ever been. And all I can think about is my failure to keep those I love alive." She speaks quietly, and Levi can hear the hitch in her breath and he knows that there are small tears begin to well up in her eyes, her back still facing him. "I realised that if I were to die protecting those people, that I would still fail. Because I would never have told you how I truly feel" 

Levi stands up from his chair, and the gap between them feels so small yet so difficult for him to cross. "Mikasa," He repeats her name because its all he can think to say at the moment before finally he forces another word out "Don't." His mind flickering through all the scenarios with her that he could only dream of. He couldn't let this happen between them. He couldn't. 

She wiped at her eyes with her hand before she made to leave. Levi reached out before he could even begin to process his own actions he had grabbed ahold of her wrist, she spun around to face him and he stepped towards her closing the distance between them, their faces inches away from each other, wiped the tear from her cheek with cold fingers and she shivers from his touch. His eyes are darting to her lips and then back to her eyes, she waits for him to process what was so close to happening.

"We shouldn't, Mikasa. I'm your captain" His breath hitched his hand wrapping into her hair. His breathing becoming heavy.

It's gentle at first when she presses her lips to his. She's unsure and timid until suddenly her barrier breaks, and its full of passion, her tongue running along his lower lip. There is reluctance in Levi's response until finally, he succumbs to the yearning he's felt for so long. His tongue pushing into her mouth and she moans into the kiss his teeth tugging on her bottom lip. He shifted her towards the desk, one hand grasping the edge to steady himself while the other caresses her back as he lowers her back onto it, pulling her hips up with one quick motion and lying her against the hardwood and in one fell swoop knocked the contents of his desk off and pressing down upon her. Her hand tugged at his hair pulling him in deeper into the kiss the need and desire overwhelming her. 

"I want you, Levi," she says his name like its prayer, she needs him, wanton and sinful desire for every inch of him. His name on her lips is enough for his carnal need to take over.

The candle had died when it hit the floor and now it was just the moonlight illuminating the two of them as he lavished her with kisses, Mikasa moaned into his mouth and Levi pulled away both of them breathing heavily. He looked deeply into her eyes before kissing her more feverishly, his lips moving along her jaw and down until his lips met the fabric of her scarf.

Levi growled his annoyance and yanked the scarf away from her body allowing himself access to the pale skin beneath to as he sucked on the soft flesh of her throat, nipping at her. She shudders beneath his touch, His hand was snaking down her body slipping its way under her gown. She cried out when his fingers pressed against her clit and she pulled his face up to meet hers, his lips instantly finding hers again.

"Don't stop," she gasped between breaths. She hooked her legs around his waist, grinding her hips against him she could feel the hard press of his erection under his trousers and Levi groaned at her touch. His fingers continued to work her and she rocked her hips into each press. 

His fingers ghosting around her entrance causing her to shudder beneath him, he slid one finger in slowly, stroking her in and out,

"You're so wet already." He takes his hand away and this time pushes her gown up over her hips, and she raised them off the desk just enough for him to pull the fabric up before she sat up and pulled the dress off over her head and threw it to the side. She pulls at the strings on the top of shirt undoing each one of them all the while her lips locked onto his before he pulls away so he can bring the fabric over his head and drop it onto the floor by the desk. He looks at her, finally taking in the sight of her naked body lying in front of him sprawled out, she had herself propped up by one hand while the other was pleasuring her sex.

"You're so damn beautiful" and with that Levi was upon her again. His lips trailing down her body his tongue circling her one of her breasts before his teeth grazed over her nipple, taking the sensitive skin into his mouth her nipples getting hard at the sensation and he swirled his tongue around them before he pulled her hips up to better position her before moving further down her body. All the while his fingers sliding back and forth, massaging her clit. Pressing kisses to the inside of her thighs, he was teasing her, kissing ever so softly. 

"Levi" Mikasa gasped. She was writhing underneath him. "Please"

"As you wish" he murmured as he pulled her legs up hooking her knees over his shoulders before he devoured her, his tongue now lapping at her cunt. Mikasa's hands found his hair and knotted themselves into the strands pulling him close as she ground against his face, unable to stop her movements.

"Levi, I'm close- so close" She removed a hand from his hair and gripped at his shoulder, her nails digging in as the mounting pressure began to build up in her, she arched her back off of the desk as the orgasm took over her and she was screaming out his name.

She pulled him up and kissed him hard, tasting herself in his mouth, she moaned into the kiss.

He placed a hand on the underside of her ass on the other on her back and picked her up off of the desk, her legs wrapped themselves tighter around him and he carried her to the bed in the corner of the room. Laying her down gently onto the bed he stepped back pulling both of his boots off. She watched him eagerly as he pulled his breeches down and his erection sprung free of its restraints, stepping out of the fabric around his ankles he stepped closer to the bed. He stroked his cock a few times, before kneeling onto the bed over Mikasa. He bought his lips back to her and she took him in her hand slinking her fingers up and down his member, teasing the end, His hips bucked in reaction to her hand. He was big, bigger than she had expected, she swallowed back a moan and guided him into her and she whimpered at the feel of him. Levi eased himself inside her with a groan, giving her time to adjust to his size before he started to move slowly, his hands gripped the fabric either side of her.

"Harder, Levi" Mikasa cried out, and he pulled himself out of her, teasing her entrance with his cock before he plunged himself back into her. Her nails raked his back and he hissed at the delicious sting of it. Her screams of pleasure were becoming louder and louder as he pounded into her.

" _Ah, fuck. That feels so good_ " Levi grunted, and he could feel the build-up and soon she was screaming out his name as she came for the second time tonight. Her walls tightening around him and it was enough to send him over the edge and he was soon spilling out inside of her.

Slowly he pulled himself out of her, relishing in the feel of her before he slunk down onto the bed next to her. Both of them a panting mess. His back stung at the contact of the sheets, her nails had left trails that now seeped blood in some spots. Pulling her into his arms.

They just held each other breathing heavily. Mikasa pulled the bed covers up over the two of them before nuzzling into him. Levi held onto her as if she would slip away at any given moment.  

 

 _'I love you'_ Her voice is a whisper when she thinks he's asleep.  Levi hears the words.

 

\--------------------------------

**Four weeks after the expedition.**

 

Levi sits at the desk in his office, the cup of tea steaming away next to him, Autumn had set in now and grounds outside the HQ were littered with oranges and reds from the fallen leaves.

Hange had barged in and begun to question him on why he was even more miserable than he usually was.

"This has got to stop, Levi!" She sounded exasperated. " You're lucky I have enough charm for the both of us otherwise the recruits would be scared off into desertion."

"You're over dramatising this whole thing. I'm not moping" He sighed picking up his cup, holding the rim in his hand before bringing the hot liquid to his lips.

"Even Erwin has commented on it, Were just worried about you. You don't have to shut off from everyone" Hange flopped into the seat opposite him and stared him in the eyes.

"I know that it's a word you would never actively use, but we are friends. You can talk to me. I won't say anything to anyone if that's what you want" She pleads. 

"I- It doesn't just involve me Hange, I shouldn't" he sets the cup back down on the desk and finally meets her eyes, she waits for him to speak leaning forward in her chair, her eagerness at knowing what was up with him showing.

"I got involved with a member of the corps. Before the expedition." He leans back into his chair, not breaking eye contact with Hange. She lets out a squeal at the info.

"Oh, Levi! You must tell me who! A fellow officer I presume? I mean of course it's totally against the rules but who ca-" She starts before Levi raises a hand for her to stop.

"It was a subordinate, Hange. I should never have let it happen but was selfish. It happened before the expedition" He tells Hange, because of she's right. She is his friend, and holding it in for weeks was beginning to wear him down.

She's silent at first before carefully speaking "Did she survive?" Levi nods in response.

"Well, then what has happened since that's cause you to be like this?" Hange's voice is quiet, and Levi appreciates the fact she doesn't shout at him or scold him for what he considered taking advantage of a Lieutenant.

" _I love her"_   Levi finally says the words. The words he couldn't bring himself to admit "It's been weeks and she hasn't woken up, and I can't even muster the courage to go and see her, because I can't bear to get close to another person for them just to die." 

"Levi we don't pick the people we love, and we can't control the outcome of their lives. Do we have to be there for them no matter where their path leads them? I would say that once in love it's no longer a choice, it becomes part of your path" Hange said softly before adding as a side thought "Who?

" _Mikasa Ackerman_ " Levi whispers the name. Hange's brow raises in surprise, but it shouldn't have shocked her that the two strongest soldiers would have found comfort in each other.

"Oh, Levi! You haven't heard! Of course not you have been moping about up hear shut off from the world" A grin set upon Hange's face "This may be something to break you out of the miserable state you're in, she's awake. She has been for over a day. I assumed you would have heard the news by now considering she is on your squad." 

"What!" Levi stood abruptly. "Hange, Lock the door on your way out", and he wasted no time in sprinting from the room knocking the empty cup of tea from the desk in the process. He didn't care about the mess it would leave, he only had one goal at the moment. Hange rolled her eyes before kneeling to clean up the shards of China.

He sped past members of the survey corpse even barging his way through a group of cadets that looked ready to shout at whoever it was that had pushed them aside until they realised it was the stoic Captain Levi and all of their responses fell silent.

He slowed his pace down as he reached the door, coming to a stop in front of it. Soft chatter emitted from the room and Levi's fingers graced over the door nob before he swallowed back the lump in his throat and opened the door. 

 

Everyone went silent as Levi entered into the room unannounced. Three people stood around Mikasa's bed. Jean was shielding the sight of her from view while Armin and Sasha stood at either side of the bed. "Captain!" Sasha gasped in shock "Please she's not up to a formal meeting just yet, she only just woke up yesterday!" She stood defensively next to the bed, mistaking his visit as nothing more than a Captain seeking a report.

"That's not why I'm here" He sidestepped to the side Jean and finally for the first time since she was admitted to the infirmary. She had the white covers pulled up to her waist and was sat up against the pillows with a white nightgown, and her red scarf was wrapped around her neck. His eyes met hers, and he took in the hollow look of her cheeks and just how thin her body had become.

"Levi" her voice was hoarse, but her eyes lit up at the sight of him. _What a fool he was._

"Leave us" he ordered them, his eyes never left Mikasa's.

"But Sir!" Jean cried out indignantly. 

"It's alright guys, I will speak to you tomorrow." She was quiet, but everyone heard her. Armin leant over her and gave her a quick hug before taking hold of Jean's arm and leading him from the room.

"Sasha, please" Levi insisted. She looked to Mikasa who smiled at her and nodded.

"Captain." and she brushed past Levi and shut the door gently behind her.

" _Mikasa_ " his voice a whisper. He didn't move any closer and just stared at her. 

Her hand went out to him, and finally, he stepped towards her. Levi linked his fingers with her hers and sat on the bed next to her.

"I see that damned scarf survived" Levi could see the deeper shades staining parts of the red fabric, he had used it as a way to patch up her injuries. 

"Eren cleaned it as best he could for me" she grinned up at him. Before her face sunk into a sad expression. "They said most of the Eastern Vanguard died in the fight. I led members of my squad to their death."

"On the contrary Mikasa, you saved a great deal more than those who died fighting by your side." he pulled her hand up to his lips and pressed a soft kiss to the pale fingers and held it there. "It was my call, whether or not to let you take my soldiers, It's me the guilt should live with, not you. Although if I could redo what happened, I would settle for nought but the reason I almost sent you to your death."

"You came back for me" she choked out, tears welling in her eyes.

"I didn't visit you in here. Not once did I do what Jaeger and all the others did for you. We all thought you were going to die and I didn't even visit you" Levi felt the wetness build in his own eyes, something he never allowed himself to do because this world eats those up who let their emotions lead them. 

"Levi, It's alright. You didn't have to be my side, you don't owe me anything."  her cheeks flushed red, a stark contrast of her pale skin.

"I- I did it for a purely selfish reason. I didn't want to watch you die. I was afraid that if I went to you, It would mean I have to acknowledge my feelings you" Levi's quiet and she can barely hear the words he says. "I didn't want to watch the woman I _**love**_ die."

Mikasa cries. All of her emotions pouring out and she pulls him down towards her with the hand he's holding onto and leans upwards to meet his lips, it's a short and sweet kiss and it's all she can manage in her weekend state before sinking back onto the bed, pulling him down with her.

"I love you, Mikasa" Her name a prayer on his lips and he lays down by her side their fingers intertwined. 

 

Holding her next to him, Levi realised he was no longer afraid.

 


End file.
